I was told to write whatever for this zine and that there wasn’t a set topic. Just a focus on music and politics. I hope I got that right, so I don’t look like a douchebag that doesn’t know what he’s writing for. Anyway, I figured I’d write about mix tapes because they’re stupid enough for me to babble on and on about them for a page or two.
Mixtapes are now a lost art. No one listens to tapes anymore. They have CD Burners and mp3’s and shit. It’s not the same to make someone a mix on CD. Tapes you have to actually put work into making. The computer does all the work when you make a CD. Their aren’t any little mistakes or nuances in a mix CD. Just songs with perfect pauses in the middle. Nothing getting cut off too soon or too late. Everything is in order. That’s why most people prefer CD’s these days because everything is in order. I think it takes out the whole personal factor of a mix tape, but then again, I’m not a nerd and 90% of the mixtapes you will make or get are total shit anyway. The person who maked them for you is the only thing that counts. I guarentee you, you’ll like a mixtape as long as the right person makes it for you. This, usually being someone of the opposite sex that you want to bang.br> I’m getting ahead of myself though. Even though articles on mixtapes have been done over and over again, to the point where there’s a whole website dedicated to the subject (www.artofthemix.org), I’m going to go over different types of mixtapes, give a little synopsis, then put some of the ol’ Mike Dikk flair on the topic.br> I’m not really going to ge tinto specific bands or groups though, because what I listen to is probably not what you listen to and I probably think what you listen to is total shit and vice versa, so it’s better not to talk about specific artists.

Here we go fuckers:

Mixtape you make for someone you want to bang (male version) – This is the tape guys make for girls they want to bang before they’re actually going out with them. It usually has all of the most emotional music they can find in their collection on it. These days, with Mp3’s and all, it’s pretty easy to fake how emotional you are by just asking other girls what songs they like and downloading them, then putting them on a tape for the girl you want to bang.
Generally, these are the worst kind of mix tapes a guy could make. It’s a bunch of music he hates and a small fraction of music he actually likes. Other guys would never listen to these tapes, Girls usually like them though, and even if they don’t, they like the idea of it, which is usually enough to get you laid.

Mixtape you make for someone you want to bang (female version) – These tapes usually consist of songs that girls actually like mixed with some harder, “guy stuff” on them that they probably don’t mind, but it’s not really their thing. The songs the girls like are usually sappy, but the guy she’s giving the tape to still pretends to like it so he can get laid. After the guy gets laid, he never listens to the tape again. If the girl brings up the tape later on down the road, the guy lies and says he listened to it the other day or he lost it.

The ‘I’m a cool motherfucker that listens to some cool fucking music’ Mixtape – This tape is usually made by males. It’s filled with a bunch of music he most likely bought by accident, but he doesn’t feel like wasting his investment, so he makes mixes of the better songs. It’s normally odd indie rock and emo bands, but it can be anything really. These tapes are multipurpose. Sometimes they’re given to a girl (or guy) that they already managed to hump with the first mixtape. Just to prove that the reciever of the tape humped a cool motherfucker. Other times, the maker of the tape leaves the tape laying around waiting for the perfect moment to play it. Like when some weird people come over to smoke weed with you, that you don’t reall yknow too well, so you put on your ‘cool music’ mixtape to see how they respond. If they like it, you keep the tape, if they don’t you throw it out.

The Dance Mixtape – Just about every girl on earth has one of these. Even if they hate dance music. Guys should never find these tapes and if they do, they shouldn’t listen to them. Usually they’re marked “TINA’s DANCE MIX” or some shit. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. They’re filled with horrible dance and r&b songs. I swear, I think girls inherit these tapes from other girls. It’s not even one of those things where you can make fun of the person because it’s too awful to even listen to, to get a chance to make fun of them. Avoid at all costs.

The ‘The 80’s were soooooooooo cool!’ Mixtape – Tapes filled with thousands of Madonna songs and other shitty music from the 80’s. Mostly owned by girls, but guys have them sometimes too. I personally find these tapes to be horrendous. I’m old enough to remember music in the 80’s and it sucked back then. For some reason kids these days think it’s cool to like total shit though. I don’t fucking know.

The ‘I’m soooooo MAD!!’ Mixtape – Made up of MEAN AND ANGRY songs. The suckiness of the person usually predicts the suckiness of the tape. Some people listen to Alanis Morisette when they’re angry. Those people are fucking assholes. Also, I’d like to add that if you have to make a mixtape for when you’re in an angry mood, then not only are you a fucking idiot, but you’re not fucking angry enough to begin with because angry people don’t sit around making mixtapes.

The Mutual Friend Mixtape – These are normal for the most part. The only time they could suck is if a guy is making them for a girl, because guys want to bang all girls, so they tend to get a little light in the loafers, musically speaking. If it’s a guy making it for another guy, it will just have normal music on it. Hopefully in or around the genre the reciever likes. These end up being the only mixtapes people keep around for a while.

The ‘I taped this off the radio’ Mixtape – Seriously, you’re a fucking scumbag. Recording off the radio was ok in the late 80’s, but really, get a fucking job you bum. Then maybe you can go buy real tapes and records and not spend your time trying to get the antenna right and timing everything perfect so you don’t record the DJ talking after the song is over. Asshole.

The Concept Mixtape – Any mixtape made that has some sort of fucked up concept behind it. Like when all the songs relate to each other. Or at least in your mind all the songs relate to each other. These are normally made by people with a lot of time on their hands or people who smoke waaay too much weed. I’m not going to lie, I’ve made at least two of these before, but hey, smoking weed is awesome.
These tapes have a chance of being cool, but most of the time they only end up appealing to the maker of the tape. Hey, I guess if you don’t have any other hobbies, it’s ok.

Well I could go on and on about different kinds of mixtapes but this isn’t my zine so I’m not going to. If for some reason this article catches on and the masses demand more, then maybe I’ll write more. If I’m not dead by then. In the meantime, please visit my website: www.get-the-strap-.com or contact me at: [email protected]. Thank you for my time.