Early in my zine-making career, I had an idea that never really got to fruition. That idea, which involved sampling the lukewarm overstock of our local Big Lots, happened, but we never wrote down enough to make an article out of it. I decided to come back to the idea, as it was too fun to just give up. When I came home for spring break, I picked up a myriad of sub 60 cent drinks, and the resulting scientific information follows. Here�s to sometimes actually buying fresh drinks that are refrigerated!

Voodoo Rain � Lucky Devil (Berry) / .59 cents, 20 Fl. Oz. � The smell on this one is fairly normal, almost as if the drink was made from juice. There isn�t anything in the way of gunk at the bottom of this drink, which is probably a good sign. First impressions are that Lucky Devil really doesn�t have anything in the way of a taste or aftertaste, but after the initial sipping, a hint of �berry� (nothing more specific can be discerned) comes out. Lucky Devil is just fairly anemic as a drink, without anything to make me a return customer � instead of being a �juice�, the taste is much more like the flavored waters. Boring! Rating: C+

Voodoo Rain � Moon Glow (Colada) / .59 cents, 20 Fl. Oz. � I�m afraid of this one. While the color is similar to a pina colada, there is a great chance that this one could taste worse than ass. Again, no gunk collecting at the bottom of the bottle. Moon Glow smells as if someone used window cleaner in a pina colada mix. Surprisingly, Voodoo Rain makes a direct transcription of those pina colada suckers that parents got for their kids when they went to the bank. Getting more bitter with each drink, the aftertaste of colada really starts collecting in the back of your throat. This drink is odd because it tastes like bottom-of-slushy weakly-flavored water when it is going down, but the chemical concoction that makes the drink taste like pina colada comes at the most inopportune times. Could be worse, but this is getting into the realm of �I�d drink it, if someone gave me a bottle� instead of �I�ll buy a bottle of this for .59�. Rating: D

Ocean Spray � Juice Spritzer : Sparkling Ruby Tangerine / 49 cents / 11.75 Fl. Oz. � I like grapefruit, and while it says �Tangerine�, the ingredients list says Grapefruit, as well as the label showing a grapefruit. The drink is lightly carbonated, and the grapefruit smell really comes out, as well as something smelling vaguely like pizza. I�ve cheated with this one, drinking it when I ran out of anything potable, but I can still fake like a virgin if I tried. True to the mixtures that are proclaimed on the bottle, the juice has the sharp bite of grapefruit moderated by the much sweeter tangerine. However, the flavor of the drink still has a watered down feel to it, much as if someone tries to water down their mixed drink with water, instead of the juice/pop/whatever base. This is definitely a sipping drink, as too big of a gulp of this is flinchingly-odd. Not quite ass, but the juice nature just doesn�t work at all times with the carbonation. Rating: B-

Pulse � Mandarin Citrus / 59 cents / 16.9 Fl. Oz. � Another one I cheated on, but I didn�t get a good chance to taste it because it was just so awful. Taking a peek at the back of the bottle, this crap has a �Fiber Blend� to it, which is probably why the taste is just foul. No pseudo-fruit smells here, this time, we have antiseptic! Just looking at this drink made me have to shit. Slightly tasting citrus in nature, Pulse definitely has the Metamucil-aftertaste going for it as well. Blah! Each subsequent drink of this putrid juice-fiber blend makes me want to pull a Bush-in-China, which is odd, since I could do ouzo shots mixed with pepto bismol and rice back in my frat days. I am literally unable to drink a large dose of this, for the fear that it will come right up again in the shortest of times. I still might chunder, though. Imagine an orange covered with maple syrup, liquefied, and you have an idea of what Pulse tastes like. Rating: F

Barrilitos � Tropical Punch / 49 cents / 12 Fl. Oz. � Still woozy from the Pulse, I took a few minutes off from the taste-test and got some air. At least this stuff is tropical punch, and smells like Tahiti Treat. Slightly different in taste from Tahiti Treat, I get another bank-teller sucker taste in their version of Fruit Punch. Really sweet, Tropical Punch is something I�d actually buy � a first among these el cheapo sodas and juices. Now, when I compare it to a lot of the carbonated fruit punches, Barrilitos� version is actually much more light and less sugary than Tahiti Treat or even something like Minute Maid�s Strawberry Soda. And, for the collector, the Tropical Punch comes in a cool looking glass bottle. Only downside is that the tops are the bend-off, instead of the twist off. Buy this shit, it be good! Rating : B+

Barrilitos � Tamarind / 49 cents / 12 Fl. Oz. � Before even opening it, I have two different minds about Tamarind-flavored anything. First off is my anti-tamarind fervor, after reading the horror stories on http://www.bad-candy.com . Secondly is the insane desire that I had to have Tamarind soda again, since the Krogers around here actually stocks a Big K version of Tamarind pop, and it wasn�t half bad. So, what will win out? Will this be putrid, or will this be fab? Ahhhhhhhhhhh! *Cough cough sputter* The pop smells like cider, but it is sweet and sour, good and ass all at the same time. Again, a drink on this list tastes a lot like Maple Syrup. My eyes are watering for some reason, and I�m starting to get a headache. Tamarind Pop, at least this version, goes down easy but really has an aftertaste that can�t be missed. Rating: C

So, I�ve been through 6 different drinks that are probably a few years old, and I�m still alive. Through the testing, I�ve felt like I was going to vomit, I�ve taken a shit, I have a headache, and my eyes burned. I believe that�s probably the extent of my emotions with these drinks. Don�t let this report keep you away from going and buying some of Big Lots� stock: I specifically picked out these drinks blind, instead of the good drinks that they stock. I also didn�t feel like dying, so I didn�t pick anything that had a lot of crud collecting on the bottom. This batch of drinks wasn�t as bad as the first set of drinks that Barton and I tested oh so long ago, but these were actually refrigerated, which might have something to do with it.