Throughout the period when I actually started to notice that there were differences in between what I then deemed as “males” and “females”, I knew that I had at least some attraction to both groups. I was in a particularly naïve and yet honest state in the years before this revelation, in that I saw “guys” and “girls” as just an amorphous mass of people. After I made this distinction between the two groups, society pretty much enforces its will upon me. After skipping sixth grade, I would routinely be called “gay” or a “faggot”, to which I had no reply. Of course, the argument may be made here that these are just meant as terms of derision, but that fails to take into account the origins and connotations of both the terms. In the earliest days of my seventh grade year, my father finally broke down and bought us a personal computer, and relatively quickly hooked it up to the local internet service.

The internet was my saviour. I was able to go and talk to individuals who shared my unique outlooks on life, and when it came to emotional release and entanglement on the internet, so-called “straight” relationships were what I entered. Still, upon greater scouring of the internet, I felt certain attractions to male individuals, and I dismissed them fairly quickly. I mean, I was my fathers only real hope on spreading his lineage! It was my duty, so I tried to push it aside. I would even go as far as to start calling people “gay”, “queer”, and “Faggot” in depreciating terms in High School. I always brought up the topic of the local out guy, and ran it into the ground with hatred which I had no clue of its origin.

Still, I ended up having homosexual internet relationships in order to elicit certain materials that peaked my interest at the time. I pretty much wrote them off as my using those individuals, but I still felt a certain emotional and sexual attraction to these individuals. Years continued to pass, and as I became more enlightened in the ways of the GLBT movement, I came out as bisexual to a small circle of friends, all while still going and using harmful language to mask any suspicion about my orientation. My outing during High School seemed to be one just created out of theory – I still had no experiences with a male at the time.

In fact, it was not even until my Sophomore year in college that I was actually able to spend some time with a male, and everything just became topsy-turvy. As I remember, the gentleman came over to my dorm room, where we ended up watching some movies and making out, among other things. Brushing up against his stubbly skin, running my hands down his body, my mind seemed to depart from the current action to look upon the actions that were occurring. The epiphany occurred, that I was being intimate with a human, that everyone is absolutely the same, and that all individuals have the same needs, including the need of love. There is no more male nor female to me anymore, and as I see it, there needs to be a movement to begin blurring the distinctions until that time where there can be no distinction between the two groups.

I claimed earlier that I was in a more truthful form before I started realizing the differences in human sexes. This is due to the fact that society had not imprinted the framework of the bi-sexual construct upon me yet. I never was an individual that would buy into the supremacy of males, or into the “fact” that women had assigned roles, but I still held up a system of oppression as a fact for a number of years. Situations have presented themselves to me in such a way that I was able to begin to shake the remnants of that construct from my system, and by and large, the individual members of United DePauw, the GLBT group at my university, have been crucial into my destruction and re-forming of my value system. To those who have passed into different careers, to those who are still at the university, I sincerely thank you.