Even if people here say that I have a girlfriend, or even if I say it, I don’t really have a significant other in the traditional form. I just don’t feel the same as I did when I went out with Jessy or Alyson, and I haven’t felt that way since my first year (since I dated Alyson, actually). Nothing has been the same since my last real relationship, and while I’m not allowing myself to let this turn into yet another piece about Alyson, there is no denying that our relationship was one of the most perfect that I’ve found myself in. Three times that I’ve really found myself in love in the course of the four or so years I’ve dated; Jessy, my first significant other, Shannon, and Alyson herself. I don’t know if I’ve just thrown myself into the hustle of school, magazines, the website, and the record label too much, or I’ve genuinely fallen into a rut in my relationship life.

Even while having these perfect or nearly perfect relationships thrown throughout my recent life, there has been more than my fair share of people that I have dated that I just look back upon dimly. I even would consider one of the people that I have already mentioned to fit into this category: while the first stages of my relationship with Shannon were some of the most memorable times of my life, the second half were equally as bad as the first half was good. Where the interest seemed to be focused on the relationship in the first half, Shannon’s focus seemed to drift away for the second half. This could be because I was at the ending point of my life where I still had a really bad temper. This is not to say that I’ve completely subdued it, but I just did not have acceptable means of getting the anger out. I didn’t beat Shannon, but I did rage at when ey would slightly pull my hair and other stupid shit like that. These rages were the reason that Shannon started cheating on me.

However, some significant others were never good for me, and were really just the result of me looking for a rebound. Call me shallow, call me an ass, but after losing someone important to me, I have a gaping hole in my chest where that last s.o. stuck their hand in and yanked out my still-beating heart. I’ve already recounted about how I turned to fratdom and the Insane Clown Posse back in NeuFutur #10 after Alyson and I broke up, but my rebounds have been a common occurrence in my life. After Jessy broke up with me, I found myself looking for the most slutty, sleazy person I could find, so that I could possibly have sex for the first time. I was scum during that period, and I fell into the arms of Jessica, who if taken to the psychiatrist, would be deemed borderline crazy. Since I was dating eir for all the wrong reason, karma had it that I never got what I was looking for from Jessica. I guess that is a good thing, because I actually ended up being devirginized from someone I still consider a friend.

Ashlee is still my friend, don’t get me wrong, but my dating eir also started out as a rebound. We had a decent relationship, even if my bipolarity got in the way of fully understanding the sheer devotion ey had for me. I would always try to wall myself up, tell eir that I didn’t like receiving calls, and would ultimately drive a wedge into our relationship that I still have not been able to completely remove. I was hurt when ey dumped me in April of last year, and was so infuriated with eir that I didn’t talk to eir until just a few months ago. We are friends again, and even though I doubt we will ever go back out again, I still really care for eir, much more than I did when we were actually going out.

So, this person that I’m supposedly dating right now, I still haven’t seen in real life even though we have been going out for nearly three weeks. I really need to find someone that I actually share common interests, likes and dislikes, instead of this neo-nazi, racist person that I’ve found myself talking to every night. It is just so hard to find someone around here in Lancaster, which is just so small, and it is even harder to find anyone in Greencastle, which is only a fourth of the size of Lancaster! I know that there are a number of people perfect for me, all ages, shapes, sizes, races, sexes, etc, but they are scattered to the winds. Each month that goes by without me finding someone I can just look at and know they are right for me is one more dagger, one more ton burden that is already attached to my weary soul. I could leave with the quoting of a song – I’m thinking about “The Origin of Love” from the Hedwig and the Angry Inch soundtrack or even the awful but catchy “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park. No songs, no music plays tonight for me – so I shall accord you, my reader, with the same bane.