I had someone in my room today that I was quite attracted to. I had just met the person a few days before on the internet of all places, and after one false start where ey was called into work, we met and hung around my house for a few hours. The odd thing with this person coming to my house is that there was absolutely no sexual tension that whole time that we were just talking. It was just delightful to be completely away from being a slave to my sexual appetites, not forcing something so early in our friendship. It was the case a few years ago that I would try to stick my dick in anything that went up to the cavern that is my room, but I think I�m finally beyond that part of my life. The different reactions that I have been experiences with this individual could be because ey is so different from the rest of the people I usually hang around with; ey is slightly older than me, as well as being intelligent. Ey even has been through some serious things in eir�s life, and actually has priorities and plans with eir life.

No one I�ve dated or been linked to romantically has had a solid plan for their future, but this person wants to get back on eir feet and just move out of the state. It really gives me a boost, as pretty much all my friends, regardless of what they say, are perfectly content with their situation right now. I�m the one that is continually given weird looks because I want to accomplish more than just getting drunk half the time. I love the people I hang out with, even if we do not always have the same career. I just wish that I had some of the same crew out at DePauw, because the scene out there is Lancaster circa 1999 � too much infighting and not unity enough to make the scene truly great. It also doesn�t help that there are only about two or three people at DePauw that would be even tangentially related to the scene in Greencastle.

Even if DePauw has a large number of students that are my age or older, I still have that self-depreciating stigma that makes me think I am inherently worse than the student population. I have that feeling to a degree with the person that came over tonight. This feeling used to manifest itself in the monthly burning of bridges that I would conduct with my friends, always ensuring that one or two of them would never talk to me again. Now, what this deprecation would mean in terms of my relationship life would be that I would date people younger than me, or with an under-average intelligence or other deficiency that would make them more close to my level of depravity. Thus, for a while I had dated or affiliated myself with a long string of people that were not my type, and I continually was depressed in all of my relationships.

My self-esteem was always a major issue for me, as it has been wrecked since the weekly beatings or threats I received during junior high school. I don�t regret skipping sixth grade, but I do think I would have turned out a lot differently (and maybe in a well-balanced sense) if I had just went to sixth grade. To mull over that possibility leads to a thousand different lives, and I personally subscribe to the Star Trek: The Next Generation idea of things: in an episode of ST:TNG (Tapestry), Picard is able to see what would happen if he was given the chance to change history. Instead of being one of the most storied captains in the Federations� history, he was a lowly astrophysics crew member. I honestly think if I would not have skipped the 6th grade, I may have been more happy and well-adjusted, maybe even liked in high school, but I would not have had the fire to persevere and succeed.

If I am able to keep this friendship going, I think that I might actually have the courage to go and try to initiate something in the way of a relationship with either eir or someone else that is more my age and type. I just have to watch to make sure my desperation doesn�t cloud my judgement, as the last time I let that happen I had a random hook-up with someone I didn�t know. It wasn�t that I was mentally or physically attracted to them in any way, either � honestly, and I am scum, it was a warm hole. But, its been over a year since that happened, and I have only screwed around with one person since then. I feel that after all the bullshit, all the changing that I had to do for the significant others and those other kids I tried to impress, that I�m finally me again.

After Alyson, after the frat, after going out with Ashlee, I am finally James. It has been a long time coming, probably since back before 7th grade, that I was able to be who I truly was. It sounds trite, clich�, but I don�t care: I can wear what I want, I can talk to who I want, and no single person is going to make me do something contrary to the construct of me. Even if now I have been more depressed than any previous summer, I still can wake up in the morning, wipe the shit from my eyes, and realize that I am in complete control of my fate. I can go and have a totally enjoyable night with someone just as I can book a show, and I don�t need to worry about having to remove the mascara from my eyes or the bracelet from my wrist.