Transcendence Piece : AMC (JMcQ)

During the waning days of a week not so long ago, I was destined to meet up with and get a ride from the editor of Transcendence, Jamez Terry. Setting this trip up a few weeks in advance, I began to worry what he would think of me. Call it conditioning, but I was genuinely worried that he would not like me in my current state. The days rapidly passed, and the day of judgement loomed large as ever. Soon, thoughts like "Do I need to get my hair cut, Do I need to shave off my goatee, Do I need to pluck my eyebrows?" became more and more commonplace in my brain through the week preceding the conference we had planned on attending. Thursday came up, being the day that Jamez was to come, and I had just enough time that day to drag myself from my cleaning and pluck my eyebrows. The goatee still remained, the unkempt hair remained as well.

Jamez came with his significant other Kelly late on Thursday, and aside from the typical discomfort of meeting someone for the first time, everything went smashingly. I was able to learn a lot about both of, while putting together some zines for the upcoming festival. I screwed half of the zines up, but that is a story really suitable for another zine (perhaps mine - you should pick it up!). The darkness became more encompassing, and the day passed on for the rising of another. Going later the next day, we begin the long drive to the upper corner of the state, listening to some of the excellent mixes that Jamez and Kelly brought.

There was never a time at this conference (besides a morning or two, since some individuals aren't really morning creatures) that I felt uncomfortable or out of place with Jamez and Kelly. Still, the voices in my head caused me to obfuscate some of the things that I felt would possibly mess up this newly-established real life friendship. There was absolutely no reason to keep these quirks in my personality from anyone, and especially not Kelly or Jamez. I usually lay all of my cards out for everyone to see, unless they are people that I am trying to impressive. Obviously, Kelly and Jamez were two of those individuals that I was trying to impress. I'm sure they wouldn't have minded some of the things that I had to reveal about myself, but they might mind my willful keeping of facts at a juncture that necessitated truth.

Individuals at DePauw University call me a fratboy. I am in the Delta Chi fraternity. Breathe, folks. My "brothers" at Delta Chi know about my identification as genderqueer and my work with the GLBT group at DePauw (United DePauw). Honestly, until I had read Derionte's piece in Transcendence #2, I had absolutely nothing to write about. After reading the piece, I realized (albeit only for too brief of a time) that whatever I end up doing with my life�. "That's Me!!!".

Until I feel that the name James does not suit me, I will be James. Until the time when I do not feel myself a part of Delta Chi, I will be James. Whoever I fuck, I will be James. Whatever modifications I make to my body, I will be James. Whatever fetishes I participate in, whatever religions I follow, I will be James. Whoever I wake up with in the morning, I will be James. And my friends, my allies, my "brothers", my family (both in the sense of blood and all other queers worldwide), and my teachers know this. To them, I was born a male but just transcend any tags besides that of James. They will be behind me whatever I end up doing in life. I just have to make sure I remember that next time. Sorry, Jamez, Kelly, and whomever else I intentionally was not utterly open with at AMC.


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